Everyone said we had so much ahead of us, that we had so much potential to be anyone we wanted to be. And yet we still felt like we were never going to be enough.
We smiled and pretended, we threw on so many faces and disguises to the point where no one even recognized us. We lied so much so that the people we loved wouldn’t feel like somehow, they were the reason we were like this.
We self-harmed, we kept everything to ourselves. We worked harder, did more, achieved more, became more and yet it still wasn’t enough, and it was never going to be enough. And we crashed hard. We had thoughts of dying years ago when we were 11, made meticulous plans too. And when our situation changed, we were still angry, depressed, anxious but we weren’t planning our death anymore and that was something.
We crashed so hard in college; it all was too much. We felt like we weren’t doing enough, saying enough, being enough. We felt like we weren’t a good enough daughter when our dad never even told us that and we felt so much guilt because of it.
I’m not going to say it gets better just move on, because that’s not how it happened. We worked on ourselves, we went to therapy, we had that awfully awkward conversation with our aunt and dad. We admitted to so much.
And then little by little it got better, we still have bad days, we still fall apart but we can put ourselves back together now.
And here we are now; a job we love, a passion that fuels us, people who support us, a future that is so beyond anything we ever dreamed of, and it is all here because you were stubborn and angry and decided not to give up. And so, it got better; and I know it’ll keep getting better too.
Sincerely,
Sam age 20
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Sam's Letter to Myself is part of our "It's OK to not be OK" campaign to recognize September as National Suicide Awareness month. If you or someone you know is struggling, visit imhurting.org for 24/7 chat support or call 800-273-8255.